Episode 2 - Five Things That Will Help You Communicate More Effectively and Gain Credibility (Copy)
Let’s talk about something that touches every single person reading this, regardless of whether you manage a team of 50, or you're just trying to get through a rough conversation without losing your mind.
I’m talking about communication.
People love to talk about communication, but what most people don't talk about are the specific communication habits working against you every single day. Not the obvious things like being rude or antagonistic, but the little things you probably don't even realize you're doing (or not doing). I actually put together a full reference guide on this that is currently available for purchase under the Downloadable Resources tab of this site. I will get into more detail about that guide at the end of the article, but for now I'm going to walk you through 5 of the 8 tips covered in the guide.
Tip number one, stop speaking in absolutes.
What are absolutes? Absolutes are words like always, never, everyone, and no one. We throw these words around constantly, especially when we're frustrated. We'll say things like “you never listen to me,” or “this always happens,” or “everyone thinks this is a problem.” This type of language is so common, but the problem is that absolutes are almost never accurate. And the second you use one, you hand the person you're speaking to an easy out. They stop focusing on your actual point and start mentally listing every exception to what you just said.
They start forming their rebuttals.
Things like, “I listened to you at the last meeting, so you can't say I never listen.” Or “this doesn't always happen, it just happens a lot.” Or “I just talked to so-and-so and they love the idea. They don't think it's a problem, so no, not everyone thinks it's a problem.” Your position's credibility was just blown apart with that one absolute you threw into your argument. More specific language is more credible language. Instead of saying, “you never listen to me,” try saying something like, “I often feel like my ideas don't get much consideration in our meetings. Can we talk about that?” Or maybe use some other phrasing that seems less awkward to you, but you get the idea. You have to figure out the words that work with your style.
With this more specific wording by saying “often” instead of “always”, you're expressing the same concern, but in a much more realistic manner. Once you start noticing absolutes in your own speech, it's hard to un-notice them. If you give it a week, I bet you'll actually start to catch yourself as you're doing it and start correcting it. This is one of the easiest changes we can make in the way we communicate with others.
So, tip number one, stop it with the absolutes.
Tip number two, lead with “I” instead of “you”.
This especially matters in emotional conversations. When we're frustrated, we tend to start our sentences with '“you.” Stuff like, “you ignored me,” “you're not explaining this well,” or “you're being unsupportive.” Starting your statement with “you” will almost always come across like you're making an accusation, even when that's not your intention. When people feel accused, they get defensive, and defensive people stop listening. So now you're both talking at each other, but nobody's actually communicating.
When you flip a statement to lead with “I” instead: “I felt dismissed when my question wasn't addressed,” for example. You keep the focus on your experience instead of their behavior. It is a much easier thing for the other person to receive without shutting down. This is also another communication habit that's super common. This one will be harder to change than removing absolutes from your vocabulary because you really need to pay attention, and that can be really difficult to do when you're in an already emotionally charged situation, but it's one that's really worth it to work on.
So tip number two, don't start your statements with “you.”
Tip number three, and this one gets everybody, is drop the fillers.
By fillers, I mean words like um, uh, like, so, kind of, sort of…those types of words. These words make you sound uncertain, even when you're not. One of the worst things about filler words is that most of us have no idea how often we use them because they've become so automatic in the way that we speak.
Here's a simple exercise that you can do to test your use of fillers: Record yourself talking for two or three minutes about anything. It literally does not matter what the topic is, just record yourself speaking. Play it back and count how many times you say um, or like, or so. It’s an uncomfortable exercise because most of us hate listening to ourselves speak, but it's also a really valuable task. I promise you, you will be shocked at the number of times a filler word comes out of your mouth. I use a script for my podcast and I still say, um, uh, like, and so…Especially if I go off topic or riff a bit. I sometimes will actually write the words into my script to make it sound more natural, so while I’m here telling you to stop using them, I’m also admitting to still purposefully using them! You will never get rid of using fillers altogether, but if you can get rid of some of them, it'll make a difference. I promise.
There is a simple fix for the use of fillers, even if it doesn't feel that way. And notice that I said simple, not easy. Simple and easy are two very different things. But when you feel a filler word coming on, replace it with silence. Just pause. Just stop talking. In the beginning, this is going to feel like awkward, dead air, and you might feel like everyone is just staring at you and judging you, but truthfully, that's not how it's actually going to come across to your audience. A pause, or a moment of silence, really tends to come across more like confidence and thoughtfulness than you think it would, whereas filling that silence with “um” doesn't really read as confident or thoughtful. Silence is actually a power move here, so start using it to your advantage!
So tip number three, get rid of the fillers and opt for silence instead.
Tip number four, make sure your body language matches your words.
This tip has a tendency to surprise people, but research has consistently shown that body language actually has a greater impact on how your communication is received than your actual words do. Your audience believes your body before they believe your mouth. So (filler word alert!!), if you're sitting with your arms crossed saying, “Yeah, sure, I'm open to feedback,” spoiler alert: they’re probably not going to believe you. Your arms are crossed, you're defensive, but you're saying you're open to feedback. What you're projecting physically doesn't match what you're saying verbally.
If you're slouching in a chair during a presentation where you're talking about an exciting new initiative, your message of excitement is already dead because you physically aren't projecting that excitement.
If you're looking at your phone while someone is speaking to you, the conversation's already over because you're not giving any indication that you're paying attention or have any interest in what they're saying.
So, try to pay more attention to your body language. Have an open posture, make eye contact, not awkward constant eye contact because that's weird, but normal eye contact, and sit or stand tall. These things signal that you're paying attention, you're confident, and you have respect for the person you're speaking with or to. Also, these are the things that people notice before you even open your mouth, so don't minimize their importance.
Again, tip number four, match your body language with your words.
And now, our last tip for today's article…
Tip number five, listen to understand, not to respond.
Most of us are so much worse at listening than we think we are. We start forming our response while someone is still talking. We cut people off, we drift, we hear what we want to hear instead of what's actually being said. Active listening, which is actual full-on paying attention, is pretty rare. But when you do it well, people take notice. It builds trust, it makes people feel valued, and it leads to making better decisions because you actually heard the whole thing before you reacted.
One easy thing to try when it comes to practicing active listening is this: Before you respond to what someone said, ask one follow-up question. Something like, “what I'm hearing you say is blah, blah, blah, whatever. Am I on track here?” You'll be surprised how often the answer to that one question gives you an additional piece of information that you would have completely missed if you simply jumped into response mode without double checking your understanding first.
So, last tip is to listen to understand by asking a confirmation question.
Those are the five tips we're going to cover today: stop speaking in absolutes, lead with “I instead of “you,” drop the fillers, make sure your body language matches your words, and listen to understand not to respond.
The full reference guide that I mentioned in the beginning of the article includes a much more in-depth analysis of these five tips, plus three additional ones, which are:
be clear and concise in emails, be specific in your requests, and something so many of us need to work on, learn how to say no.
The reference guide also includes real examples of what to do (and what not to do), before and after language, and practice exercises for each tip.
It's something that, if you're an elder millennial like myself, you can print out and keep on your desk (which I love doing). I love hard copies of things! Or, if you're not stuck in the old days like me, just refer back to the electronic file before an important conversation, presentation, or anytime you feel like you want to work on your communication skills.
I worked really hard to make the guide something practical, simple, and something that will actually help you. As I mentioned, it's available through the downloadable resources tab. This was actually something I created as part of the capstone project for my master’s program, so this has been fully reviewed, vetted, and evaluated by Ph.D.-level parties.
I hope you found value in this content. I'm Lauren. This is Glass Ceiling Smashed. Go grab your hammer and let's break something together.
You can find the sources used to write this episode/article in the show notes for this episode linked at the beginning of this post.
